I been unraveling since my birth

Time had flown by like a hurricane. Her mind could hardly keep up with all the events that had been happening around her and with her. It still felt like yesterday when she had delivered her kittens, who were nine moons old apprentices now. Being a mum had been a hard task, something she never really wanted, but Russetfur had managed to adjust. She loved her kittens, equally. She was proud of them and hoped that her kittens would give hope to Shadowclan. Her own mother's clan.

She had made Flameleap the father of her kittens, but he wasn't. Nevermind was the father and she still felt guilty for keeping that a secret. It was a lonely task, being a mum without the support of a real father. Nevertheless, she had done the job. And now she was following her son, Ravenpaw. And he was just like her borther, Ravenheart. She saw how her son successfully caught a vole. A loud purr of approval sounded from her throat. "Nice catch, Ravenpaw." she moved closer to him and pressed her nose against his flank. "But why are you alone out here?" Of course, she was a mum and a warrior and he was a young apprentice, out alone in the pine forest.

Hearing her son's words she wanted to tell him that this was no time to wander about and think with all those dangers lurking around. Sure, her son was a strong tom-cat, already like a warrior in her opinion, but he was also only nine moons old, which meant that he was also no where near being a warrior. But his tone let her remain quiet and wait for what was to come.

She just stood there, watching him as he spoke. Of course. He was old enough to know, to put the pieces together. He was smart enough and it was crystal clear that Flameleap wasn't his dad. Russetfur kept quiet for one more moment. "You're right, and I shoul've told you sooner," she spoke softly. And yes, she did regret the lies. But she refused to sound weak or defeated. "Your dad used to be a warrior of Shadowclan, a loyal and strong warrior," she spoke. "His name is Nevermind and he left Shadowclan when things started going down. When you came to be I didn't know what I know now, that he joined Bloodclan and for that I despise him," she told him. "Yet I do not regret anything. You, my son, and your siblings, are my everything, my hopes," she continued, watching him closely. "I lied and kept it secret... and for that I'm sorry." And that was that. It was out and she didn't know how her son would react. Russetfur had decided to stay straight to the point, no excuses and she hoped that she had done it right.

Maybe it had been a bit blunt when she had told her son the truth about his father. She just simply didn't see any other way to tell him. She didn't want to throw excuses, to give a reason for everything, all the why's, unless he would ask her. Russetfur wanted to be honest with her son, but now she wondered if it hadn't been rather harsh. Being a mother was hard, especially when you had to tell your kits hard things.

Russetfur observed her son, saw the mixture of feelings in his eyes. Wondering whether she should step closer to comfort him crossed her mind, yet she didn't move a paw. Ravenpaw spoke, told her that he didn't know what to say. Russetfur listened to him while he spoke. As Ravenpaw waved his tail from side to side, she felt a pang in her chest. She swallowed and continued listening. As he kept speaking her eyes widened. "No! You won't have to face him. He might be the tom-cat who made the existence of you four possible, but he is not much more than that," she spoke quickly. "In the end he wasn't there for you and he betrayed Shadowclan, he is no better then any other traitor," but saying those word about the father of her kits hurt. Not because she cared about Nevermind, but because she cared about who her kits saw as their dad. She calmed down a bit and sat down. Ravenpaw asked what the tom looked like. "He is a very large, black tom-cat... he has blue eyes, and well... that's about it."

Russetfur frowned when Ravenpaw spoke the words about wanting to meet his father. She didn't want that to happen. Yet Russetfur understood him. She couldn't allow that to happen. No. She thought she'd known Nevermind, but it had appeared to be untrue, since the Nevermind she knew wouldn't join Bloodclan. "I understand, Ravenpaw. But you know you can't just meet him. I'll tell you everything about him what you want to know, but I'm afraid that you have to let go of the idea of meeting him."
And it was true. Ravenpaw did look like Nevermind, but Ravenpaw also looked like her brother, Ravenheart and her mother, Innerstar and that is what she wanted to see when she looked at her son. "You do look like him, but you're nothing like him. You're better. You are like my brother, your uncle, Ravenheart," was what Russetfur said, looking him right in the eyes. Russetfur decided to step closer to her son and pressed her cheek against his. "I know that you want a father and if I had the power to change it, I would give you a true father, not some tom who made you possible and not a lie to cover up for what I did," she spoke softly. "I don't want Nevermind to be a father figure to you, he's not the tom I thought he was," she continued. Russetfur had been weak and she hated it. But she did love her kits and by Starclan, let it go.

It was true. It was she that had kept it secret from het kittens. It was she that let another tom-cat pretend to be their dad. It was all she. And she regretted it, well, the way she had done it. At first it had started as a way to protect her honor as a Shadowclan warrior and the daughter of their former leader, Innerstar. But that wasn't fair towards her kittens. Thus Russetfur remained quiet as Ravenpaw spoke his words. She then told him that her son looked more like his dead uncle, Ravenheart and she stepped towards him and pressed her cheek against his. She noticed how Ravenpaw didn't move a muscle. The next words spoken by Ravenpaw stung like a wasp. She hadn't noticed how her secret had affected him. But not only that, the whole situation within Shadowclan. "Ravenpaw," she spoke right away, looking at him directly with concern in her eyes. "I am the one who did all this. You aren't. If some one is to be spoken for, it is me. You, Ravenpaw, you and your siblings are loyal Shadowclan cats, the future of the clan, cats to be respected. I know I lied, but that is all on me. I raised you four to be Shadowclan warriors and that is what you four are going to be. Even Neritepaw in her heart, a true warriors heart. And by Starclan, I know that your Shadowclan ancestors see you as equally as every other loyal Shadowclan cat." She knew she had to come clean to Shadowclan. But first her other kittens. Innerpaw. Neritepaw. Shrewpaw.

Guilt gripped her heart, but she had to remain strong for her son. She felt a shudder go down her spine as Ravenpaw spoke. His voice was angry, yet strong and determined, but angry. It wasn't the Ravenpaw she was used to. And something about this made her feel proud of her son, yet it stung. Russetfur let him speak and she listened to his words. Yes, he did come from a strong Shadowclan bloodline. Innerstar, her mother, was his grandmother. How could I have messed up like this? She swallowed her own thoughts as she continued listening to her son. Her stomach clenched as he spoke his final sentences. She knew he was right and she didn't know what to say anymore. Her eyes darkened as she looked at her son. Her beautiful son. A battle of feelings went through her. "I tried... I tried my best, Ravenpaw," she eventually spoke. "I will make this up to you, to all of you..." What else could she say. But how? She stood up, but her tail remained low to the ground. She felt weak with emotions. She felt regret that she didn't want to feel. She loved her kits, how could she feel regret? It was true, she'd never wanted to become a mother, but she was and she'd learned to love being a mother. When Ravenpaw, Innerpaw, Neritepaw and Shrewpaw, she couldn't have helped but love her them.